If you really want to go out with one: Lose weight and get used to Saturday nights drinking orange juice. Has a facial expression not dissimilar to a spaniel that has been beaten up one too many times.

NEEDY GERMAN MALE: Usually in his mid-to-late twenties, the needy German male has generally just been dumped by his first girlfriend with whom he had been together since he hit puberty. Then he realizes the solution: He needs a replacement girlfriend. Habitat: Needy German male is probably still studying and light years away from getting a proper job (Germans can stretch their university degree courses over a decade).

The aristos didn’t get anywhere in life by changing their ways, now, did they?

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INTELLECTUAL GERMAN MALE Stop reading Heat magazine! Intellectual German Male won’t be seen dead with you if you don’t. Distinguishing marks: Looks and dresses like Robin Williams in “Dead Poet’s Society." Just less American. Favorite Activities: Listening to 1980s hard rock and moaning about capitalism, the euro and the fact his rent costs more than 3 pounds a week. Birkenstock-wearing, lentil-eating, Organic German Male is right-on when it comes to global warming, nuclear power and organic gardening.

He’s spent his entire life cocooned in a university, is fluent in Serbo-Croatian and doesn’t own a television. Habitat: Pseudo-arty Berlin cafés with gilded mirrors and black and white pictures of Marlene Dietrich on the wall. OSSI GERMAN MALE He can say "I Love You" in Russian. For Ossi German male -- a product of former East Germany -- life was better when the Berlin Wall was still standing, or so they'll tell you. Yawn Distinguishing marks: Organic German Males usually have big troubled eyes (the planet is dying, you know).

He may have an ability to speak boarding school English with a fake Eton accent.

While many German men are often six feet tall and blond, Aristos are always six feet tall and blond.

Aristo German Male style almost always includes a Thomas Pink shirt, designer jeans and tweed jacket.

Keep an eye out for a tendency to shop at “Frankonia Jagd” or similar huntin’-shootin’-fishin’ establishments.

Welcome to the lost world of Germany’s redundant aristos.

They’ve got no job, no real place in Germany ’s social democracy but they’re clinging on to their traditional status for dear life.

Over-use of gel in dyed hair with mussed bed-head being particular popular at the moment. The Pros: Sporty German Males enjoy robust health and look like a 30-something whipper-snappers when they’re really 56.

Check his wardrobe for pedometers, clothing with Adidas or Puma labels and Nordic Walking Sticks. He will also invite you on Kur (Health Spa) “holidays” at least four times a year.

You will be stranded in a dusty Hell, furnished in Biedermeier kitsch.